In general, we tend to believe that pain is separate from the self, and is caused by external forces. We look to the events and people around us to explain our suffering. We blame others in an attempt to rid ourselves of the very thing that allows us to grow.
When we do this, when we blame others for our experiences, it is like blaming a puppy for how we feel when it poops on the carpet. Obviously, we don't want the carpet to be covered in poop, but our feelings are not caused by the puppy. Our feelings arise out of the belief that our carpet matters in the grand scheme of things.
Our beliefs are what trigger our pain, and our beliefs are what pain is here to heal. It is always waiting to burn away delusion, and to come to the surface so that it may relax into our energetic sphere. We must begin to turn inward at the very first sign of the physical and emotional discomfort it portends, in order to gain access to more of ourselves. When we do this, we welcome the truth of who we are. We expand. We remember that the carpet means nothing. It's a piece of cloth that we paid for with money that we created in order to control the uncontrollable. It's as real as a dream.
It is very difficult, though, to refuse to blame in the heat of the moment. The pain is hot, and it hurts, and we don’t want to hold it. Our instinct is to throw it at someone else.
What do we do when it’s just too hard, when someone pushes just the right button at just the right time on just the right day? How do we feel our pain, without blame, when it is so great that we can no longer control our responses? What do we do when we are tempted to turn toward gossip, attack, and judgement and away from introspection and love?
How do we forgive in the face of fear?
We ask for help. When pain (anger, sorrow, jealousy, irritation, etc.) is triggered, we say: “Please help me in this moment.”
For some it may be God, or Buddha,or Allah. For others it may be The Light. For still others it may be The Divine, or the Higher Self. It may be Source, or Science, or Music, or Mathematics, or Gaia.
Whatever name we give it, we all have guidance to call upon in our moments of weakness and struggle. This is how we learn to move out of blame and into acceptance. This is how we learn to stop holding others responsible for our feelings, and decide to take the journey to meet yet another part of the self through the pain we’ve denied for so long. The grocery store clerk who didn't smile is not the cause of our annoyance. The friend who canceled plans is not the cause of our anger. The man with different colored skin is not the cause of our hatred. The woman who spurns our advances is not the cause of our shame. Donald Trump is not the cause of our rage. Elizabeth Warren is not the cause of our rage.
These things are within us already, waiting to be healed.
In every single moment, we must practice asking for help. The temptation to lash out may burn, but we must ask for help. The sadness may be frightening, but we must ask for help. Judgement may seem like the easier path, but we must ask for help. We must make a practice of switching off the part of the old brain that tells us to look outside of ourselves to explain our responses to things, and find the extraordinary power and strength within that allows us to ask for help in each difficult moment. God, Source, Science: all come from the same place. They come from the perspective of inner love. That love gives us the power to transform. Sometimes we will forget to ask, sometimes we won't be able to ask, sometimes we will fail and return to the old ways. When we do, we forgive ourselves and step into the next opportunity to heal the beliefs that limit us.
We must learn to hold our pain. We must learn to be willing to bear the weight that we came here to bear. For some, that weight is heavier than it is for others. That is no matter, and makes no difference. The pain is there, and must be seen. We must each carry our own, together, and ask for help along the way.